I'll have toast, A little piece of toast.

Not felt like food much recently. To be honest, you really don't want the gory details, suffice to say that in the words of Paul Young all I have wanted is "Toast, a little piece of toast." I seem to be feeling better today which is brilliant news as I'm off to Masterchef Live later and I have a wonderful piece of rib roast in the fridge. If that doesn't reawaken my appetite then nothing can.

If, however, when I get back I'm still not feeling too hot I could always follow the example of The Blues Brothers, minus the fried chicken of course!

The Blues Brothers

"4 fried chickens and a coke, and some dry white toast please."

I really don’t like ketchup, never have done and I doubt I ever will. Something about its thixotropic consistency and overly sweet taste really bugs me as well as the fact that I don’t think it tastes remotely of tomatoes. Even if it was dark and I was wearing sunglasses I’d still turn down the offer.

However The Blues Brothers, Jake and Elwood take the prize for food fads. It says a great deal about the narrowness of their diet that even after a “residency” in Joliet their order is instantly recognisable even through a kitchen wall. Matt “guitar” Murphy would dearly love to join the brothers in the band but Mrs Murphy is significantly less impressed. “This is my man, this is my restaurant, and you two are gonna turn around and walk right out of here - without your dry white toast, without your four fried chickens, and without Matt 'Guitar' Murphy!”

The scare tactics don’t work and the band reforms. With their tank full, the cigarettes nearly all smoked and on a mission from God the boys set about alienating almost anyone with power in Illinois. The best car chase since The Italian Job finishes the movie in style. They do leave without the four fried chickens but Jake gets some toast. Do we need a recipe for toast? Believe me, making decent toast takes time, effort and the right ingredients. I’d use decent butter to finish the whole thing off but perhaps Jake feels the same way about butter that I do about ketchup. EEwwwww! No thanks.

Mise en scene

One day old loaf of crusty bread

Sharp bread knife

Wide mouthed toaster or oven with grill

It’s all in the edit...

1. Take the bread and place onto a bread board. The bread must not be too fresh as it will not slice cleanly. If you do happen to have really elderly bread this isn’t good either. It will be too dry and your toast could shatter whilst being eaten. I said toast needed a recipe.
2. If you are using a grill put it on to heat now, a medium to high heat should be fine. If you own one of those toasters that is so expensive that it needs to be listed on your household contents for insurance purposes make sure you have the toast cage ready.
3. Slice the bread into 1 ½ to 2cm doorsteps. Cut carefully so that the bread remains the same thickness all the way down.
4. Pop under the grill and watch like a hawk. Do not allow yourself to be distracted. Toast is like a toddler, it will do something terrible as soon as you take your eyes off it.
5. When the toast is the colour you like, anything from a pale caramel to almost charcoal in this house, turn it over and repeat for the other side. Remember the toast is now warmed up and will take less time on this side.
6. If you are using a toaster less is more, start on a low number and cook a little at a time until the desired toast hue is achieved.
7. Jake ordered his toast plain. Me? I like plenty of salted butter and either decent jam where the fruit is still intact or Marmite. Lovely.
8. Hum Minnie the moocher or whistle Rawhide as you do the washing up.

Hint and tip

You can buy all sorts of gadgets to help you create the perfect slice of toast. Plastic thinks to make messages on the toast for your lover or ornate toast racks to prevent rubbery toast. If you have an open fire then a toasting fork would be my recommendation. Better than television in my opinion.