Something new for the new year?

If you have had enough of champagne, mulled wine or even freshly squeezed orange juice then why not take a leaf from Del Boy's book and try something far more exotic this New Year's eve?

Only Fools and Horses. (1981 - 2003)

Del “Brandy please, Pamela.”
Pamela “Armagnac?”
Del “Yeah, that’ll do fine if you’re out of Brandy”

Baileys and cherryade

Tea at The Ritz, champagne on the F1 winner’s rostrum and Glühwein on a mountain top in Val d’Isere are all iconic drinks in fabulous places. Del Boy’s choice of both venue and beverage are far less premier league and much more Sunday kick about.

Ordering his drink from Mike, whilst leaning on the bar in The Nag’s Head Peckham, Del makes sure the whole bar can hear his order and his generosity as he orders for Rodney and various others. The only one not to be a recipient of this largesse is Mike. Tabs seem to be paid off with outsized betamax camcorders, watches that run backwards and self igniting car radios. As with most of Derek’s life the actual drink is pretty irrelevant it’s all in the presentation. Baileys and cherryade is the liquid equivalent of the camel hair coat and chunky gold jewellery. Hiding from the Driscoll brothers can often bring on a thirst.

If I was Del Boy and I’d spent the best part of the day selling hooky goods on the market I think my drink of choice would be a hot chocolate or a decent cup of tea. Derek is not like other people, he knows that “next year we’ll be millionaires” so he’s living what he thinks is that lifestyle today. Join him; conjure up The Nag’s Head in your living room and down a Baileys and cherryade. Sit back and listen to Uncle Albert reminisce about life “during the war”.

Mise en scene

Baileys cream liqueur

Cherryade

Cocktail cherries

Pineapple wedges

Cocktail umbrellas

Assorted picks and bendy straws

Its all in the edit….

1. Take a large bowl shaped glass and fill with a generous amount of ice, lovely jubbly.

2. Pour in several measures of Baileys and swirl the glass to ensure the ice is well coated. Plume de ma tante, this is a vitally important stage that cannot be missed out.

3. Drop in several cocktail cherries at this point. Their coating of sugar syrup is just what this combination of Baileys and cherryade needs to lift it from insignificance into the cocktail hall of fame. If you do not want the cherries floating around in the drink you could impale them on a pick. I’d personally go for the ones that have tassels on the end. Bonnet de douche, c’est magnifique.

4. Tilt the glass to a 45° angle and carefully top up with cherryade. Cushty. Return the glass to the upright position and adorn with cocktail umbrellas and stirrers.

5. Voila, place a wedge of pineapple on the rim of the glass and, fromage frais, the drink is ready. Enjoy or as they say in France, Luxembourg nul points!

Voiceover

Mike keeps a huge variety of adornments behind the bar seemingly only for Del’s cocktails. These are essentials if you want to recreate this drink. Readily available in shops and supermarkets buy the wildest you can find. In fact the only thing about this recipe you may want to change is the drink itself!

It's all HUMBUG I tell you HUMBUG!

A Christmas Carol

"You may be a bit of undigested beef, a blob of mustard, a crumb of cheese. Yes. There's more gravy than of grave about you."

Christmas dinner

During the run up to the whole holiday season often the most even tempered of us sometimes morph into Alan Rickman’s gloriously over the top Sheriff of Nottingham from Robin Hood. “And cancel Christmas!” I want to yell when I see the length of the queue into the supermarket car park on the day before Christmas Eve. Shopping for the Christmas siege or possibly just an invasion of potentially hostile relatives brings out the worst in us all.

Luckily for Bob in A Christmas Carol a reformed Scrooge saves the Cratchit’s from the horror that is Christmas food shopping. Buying the largest turkey in the butcher’s window he begins his transformation from miserly humbug to kindly benefactor. I wouldn’t suggest you buy the largest bird you can find but do follow Scrooge’s example and share your Christmas meal with lots of people. You will need them to help you eat the cold turkey sandwiches if nothing else.

Mise en scene

Turkey

Potatoes for roasting peeled and quartered

Parsnips peeled and quartered

Salt

Pepper

Vegetable oil, dripping or goose fat

Carrots peeled and cut into batons or rings

Brussels sprouts

stuffing

Gravy

Accompaniments to the meal (bread sauce, cranberry sauce, cocktail sausages and bacon rolls)

It’s all in the edit

1. Peel, chop and prepare your vegetables first. Keep them in cold water to prevent discolouration.
2. Put the oven on to heat.
3. Read the label on the turkey as almost all supermarkets put oven temperatures and timings on their packaging these days. If you have bought your bird from a butcher ask their advice on cooking it. I use 20 minutes per pound (450g) plus an extra 20 minutes.
4. Get a piece of paper and work out your timings. It is not complicated but get organised because Christmas merriment and the odd sherry might addle your thoughts later. Write down the cooking time of the turkey and add 20 minutes resting time. This is the turkey cooking time altogether. Work out when you want to eat and see when the turkey must go in to the oven.
5. Potatoes and parsnips take 50 minutes to 1 hour to roast and need to be par boiled first so will take about 1 hour 20 minutes from preparation to serving.
6. When ready put the turkey in the oven having seasoned it well with salt and pepper, you can massage it with butter and shove a lemon into its nether regions if you like. Stuffing is always better cooked on a separate dish.
7. At the correct time put the potatoes on to boil and also put a large roasting tin containing the fat or oil in the oven. There should be enough fat to cover the bottom of the tin. Once the potatoes come to the boil simmer for 5 minutes and then drain well.
8. Shake the potatoes but not the parsnips in the colander, this will get rid of the excess water (and also will roughen the edges to give you crispy spuds. Take the tray from the oven tip in the potatoes and parsnips and return to the oven as quickly as possible. You don’t want the oil or fat to cool. You can cook the spuds and parsnips together or apart it just depends on how big your oven is and how many pans you have.
9. Consult your list and pop the sausages and bacon rolls in the oven when needed too. At this time put a rasher or several of bacon over the turkey breast and legs to prevent them from over cooking. This makes an excellent cooks perk too.
10. Brussels sprouts need just a little cooking time and like the carrots only need 6 or 7 minutes to cook.
11. Once the turkey is cooked and out of the oven resting use a little of the fat from the pan, flour and some good red wine to make gravy. Delegate the making of the bread sauce and the lid removal from the jar of cranberry sauce.
12. Serve and wash down with wine and good company.
13. Zap the Christmas pudding in the microwave. Not very Dickensian but a damn site more practical and much less steamy than boiling for several hours. Watch out for ghosts at the window.

Cake as a metaphor for life

There is little in this world that can't be made better by cake. My problem is which one to choose. This cake from the movie world solves that dilemma neatly.

Layer cake (2004)

Layer cake

In a perfect world everyone would share and share alike. This does not make me a card carrying communist or even an occasional reader of The Morning Star just someone who likes everything to be fair and equal. Layer Cake is the complete antithesis of this equality. Power is King and drug money paves the way to this kingdom. For once the cake in the title doesn’t appear in the film. The layers represent the multiplicity of plot levels in the film in addition to the hierarchy within the drug underworld in which this film is set.

Layer Cake twists and turns with plenty of double crosses and surprises and I’ve hidden one in this cake just to echo the plot, and no, my secret ingredient doesn’t involve crushing up tablets!

So in effect I’m giving you a recipe for an analogy. It’s a very tasty analogy at that. You need a tasty cake for a film starring Daniel Craig. I am well aware that cream cake is not on anyone’s list of healthy foods but it does lift your spirits to eat one. Perhaps by writing this recipe I am behaving exactly like the gangsters in Layer Cake by encouraging you to indulge in such forbidden delights. In the words of XXXX, surely that is the best name seen on a cast list, this cake will give “the people what they want... Good times today, Stupor tomorrow.” Good times indeed.

Mise en scene

You will need 3 sandwich tins greased and lined with parchment paper.

175g butter

175g caster sugar

175g self raising flour

1 tbsp cocoa powder

1 tsp baking powder

3 eggs

4 tbsp milk

3 strawberries (pureed)

1 tsp vanilla extract

1 carton whipping cream

Icing sugar to dust

Its all in the edit….

Pre heat oven to Gas 4 170c

1. Place the butter and sugar into a large bowl and cream together until pale and fluffy in texture.

2. Beat the eggs in one at a time to the butter and sugar mixture. If the mix looks as if it is about to curdle add a spoonful of flour and continue beating in the rest of the eggs. Stir in the vanilla extract.

3. Fold in the sifted flour and baking powder. Make sure the flour is well incorporated.

4. Divide to cake mixture into three separate bowls. Add 2 tablespoons of milk to the first bowl and then pour this into the first prepared sandwich tin.

5. To the second bowl of mixture add the remaining two tablespoons of milk and the cocoa powder. Again mix until well incorporated. Tip this chocolaty mixture into the second of the prepared sandwich tins.

6. Puree the strawberries (mash with a fork, squash through a sieve or even blitz in a processor if you have someone else to do the washing up!) Add this strawberry loveliness to the remaining bowl of cake mixture and again amalgamate well. Scrape the pink mixture into the last cake tin and place all three into the oven for 25 minutes.

7. When cooked remove from the oven, allow the cake to cool in the tin for 5 minutes. Remove from the tin and finish cooling completely on a wire cake rack.

8. Whip the cream to soft peaks and layer the cake up. Be generous with the cream. How you organise the layers is up to you.

Hints and tips

When you leave a cake to cool on a wire rack it is important to turn the cake over. This allows the steam to escape from the base of the cake. Peel any parchment away from the cake at this stage too.

A breakfast for nerds

Looking around the study it is clear I live in a family of Star Wars nerds. Lego droids vie for space with an R/c Yoda, several themed Mr Potato heads, a pile of books and a pretty realistic light sabre!

"Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"

Princess Leia's cinnamon bun hair do.

Yesterday I decided to add my own Star Wars themed nerdery to the world. I've made a cinnamon filled tea ring for years now but in honour of Princess Leia's most famous hair do I thought I'd have a go at adapting the recipe to create cinnamon buns.

Ingredients (makes 12 good sized buns)

Dough

650g strong white bread flour

60g caster sugar

75g white vegetable fat or lard

1 egg

1 tsp salt

180ml warm milk

150ml warm water

1 sachet yeast

Filling

50g softened butter

50g caster sugar

50g soft brown sugar

3 tsp ground cinnamon

Topping

150g icing sugar

Enough water to create a stiff paste

How to …….

Pre heat oven to 375f / 190C

1. Place the warm water in a jug and stir in a sprinkle of sugar and the yeast. Leave out of any drafts until the yeast has doubled in size.

2. Into a large bowl sieve the flour and stir in the sugar and salt. Cut the lard or vegetable shortening into the flour and rub in until the vegetable fat resembles breadcrumbs

3. Pour in the warm milk and stir to begin to incorporate, now add the beaten egg and the yeast mixture. Using a round bladed knife mix until the dough comes together.

4. Using your hands knead the dough gently but effectively for 5 minutes or so until the dough becomes smooth and silky. The dough is very soft and “loose” you may need more flour on your work surface as you work it.

5. Make the dough into a ball and place in an oiled bowl. Cover with a damp cloth. Leave for an hour and a half until well risen.

6. Knock back (punch the dough in the middle to deflate it) and let it rise again for another 45 minutes.

7. On a lightly floured surface roll the dough out to approximately 30cm x 20 cm.

8. In a small bowl beat together the butter, white, brown sugar and the cinnamon. Spread this over the dough and roll up the dough lengthwise.

9. Taking a sharp knife and cut into 2cm slices.

Place onto a baking tray and allow to rise for another 30 minutes.

Bake in the oven for 20 t0 25 minutes.

Once golden remove and cool before icing. These taste best eaten while warm!

As Jabba might say "nice buns!"

If you do happen to be having a marathon Star Wars session any time over the Holiday periods these are sure to keep the troops going through all six episodes or at a push could be used to add authenticity to a Princess Leia dress up costume.

Tidings of Comfort and Joy

Not bad I suppose, the Christmas tunes began ringing out at Thorn Towers on Friday. At least we managed to reach December this year before cracking open the iPod's festive play lists. In addition to musical festivity one magnificent bi product of all the recent snow has been the chance to watch the Sky Movies Christmas channel with the girls. One that seems to be missing from the schedule is this classic. I understand it isn't your typical "holiday" movie fare but it such fun to watch. If you haven't seen it, then get a copy. If you are lucky, as well as the following recipe for the infamous raspberry sauce, I may post a recipe for the food from the end of the movie too. Once I have perfected it! I won't tell you what it is as it will spoil the end of the film suffice to say it is a perfect combination of the Italian and the Glaswegian food traditions!

Comfort and joy (1984)

A “99” with

Every time I see an ice cream van this joke always pops into my head. Let me share it with you. A man with an unfeasibly high voice walks up to the ice cream man and says, “A 99 please.” The ice cream man replies, “crushed nuts?” to which the squeaky voiced man responds, “no laryngitis!”

Crushed nuts may well have befallen the ice cream vendors in the Glasgow ice cream wars portrayed in this movie. Dark and gritty at times, it has a gentle self deprecating humour that Bill Forsyth cleverly injects into very mundane situations.

What begins as a simple, if slightly creepy, stalking of a girl in an ice cream van turns into the discovery of a full on turf war. Alan “Dicky” Bird is caught up in the attack. His 99 with (raspberry sauce) is sent flying by one of the masked assailants. Once the windows of the van have been put through the men make their getaway but not before they have been covered with sauce and for all we know with those crushed nuts too, as Charlotte delivered a few mighty kicks before the villains sped away. This raspberry sauce is a step up from the gloopy syrup beloved by us all but is still best over a good quality vanilla ice accompanied by a flake and crushed nuts.

Mise en scene

1 punnet raspberries

2 tbsp icing sugar

Lemon juice

Flakes

Vanilla ice cream

Handful of dry roasted peanuts chopped

Ice cream cones or bowls

It’s all in the edit.

1. Pop the raspberries into a non metallic bowl and crush gently with the back of a fork.
2. Sprinkle over the icing sugar and leave to stand for ten to fifteen minutes to macerate.
3. Once the raspberries have begun to exude their juices either crush again with your fork or blitz using a hand or stick blender. Taste the sauce, if it is too sugary then correct this by adding a little of the lemon juice. Not so much that your whole face puckers up but enough to avoid saccharine sweetness.
4. You can leave the seeds in this sauce or pass through a sieve if you prefer.
5. Either in a cup or an ice cream cone place several scoops of a good quality vanilla ice cream. Add a flake or two and ask guests if they want their 99 “with” or “without” sauce.
6. Crushed nuts are an optional extra.

Voice over

Chocolate sauce is also a traditional extra offered by ice cream vans. It is very simple to make. Place a bar of good quality chocolate in a bowl with a tablespoon of honey or golden syrup. Pour over enough scalded cream to cover. Stir to melt the chocolate. Allow to cool a little and serve as above.

Store cupboard standbys.

As I am currently a citizen of Narnia my early morning forage consisted of a trip to the local Co-op. Wading calf deep through fresh snow is a fantastic if somewhat bracing way to wake yourself up. To be honest I didn't need much, I'd done a big shop before the snow hit and the fridge was full. We did need bread though so off I slid to get some flour. I knew the panic buyers would be up at 6am to get the Mothers Pride but that didn't bother me. Putting on the oven and kneading dough was bound to cut down the heating especially in the kitchen.

If this weather continues I will have to find a way to refill the cupboards. If I still can't get the car out I may resort to some unusual food combinations if the situation gets really dire. Whether I ever get this desperate is a matter for conjecture. Somehow I doubt it!

Vicar of Dibley

Orange cake with Branston pickle icing

Mrs Cropley: Care to try one, Mr. Chairman?
David Horton: No thank you. I'd sooner eat my own scrotum, Mrs. Cropley.

Villages are so often just a microcosm of the world around them. Everyone has their place and woe betide anyone who upsets this status quo. When Dawn French’s Geraldine Grainger arrives in Dibley to undertake her new post as Vicar of the local parish church little does she realise the willpower and fortitude needed for the task ahead.

In addition to hatching, matching and dispatching as and when required Geraldine has to lead the services, chair the parish council and organise the fetes. It is here that church organist Letitia Cropley comes into her own. She transformed herself from the local good time girl into Dibley’s domestic goddess. Sadly her creations are such that she earns herself the title the “queen of cordon bleugh”. Many of her concoctions have gone down in history and several have come straight back up again. Parsnip brownies, bread and butter pudding surprise and chocolate spread sandwiches with a hint of taramasalata any one?

No, thought not, here is a recipe you can recreate, one Letitia made for the cake stall at the village fair. I’d suggest you forgot about the branston pickle icing but that choice is entirely down to you.

Mise en scene

175g butter or margarine
175g caster sugar
2 large eggs
225g self-raising flour
2 tablespoons milk

1 orange - zest and juice

2 tablespoons of caster sugar

125g icing sugar

Water

Branston pickle

Its all in the edit….

• Place butter and sugar in a large bowl and beat together well. Continue creaming until the butter and sugar mixture becomes paler in colour.
• Beat the eggs in a separate bowl and add half of this beaten egg into the mixture, and stir it in well. Add in a couple of tablespoons of the flour, then the rest of the egg, and beat again. Now is the time to add in the vanilla extract.
• Taking a metal spoon very gently fold in the rest of the flour. Be gentle and use a cutting and folding movement to combine the flour without losing any air from the mix. When all the flour is combined add in a tablespoon of milk and a tablespoon of orange juice.
• Check the consistency of your cake mix. Gather up a little on a spoon and hold over the bowl. If it drops off then the mixture is ready, if it remains on the spoon you need to add another tablespoon of milk and check again.
• Put this mix into a 11” by 7” rectangular cake tin and bake for 30 minutes at 180 C until firm and golden brown.
• When cooked cool for a short while in the tin and then place on a wire rack. Combine the remaining orange juice with the two spoons of sugar and pour over the warm cake. Allow to cool. If you really have to combine the Branston pickle with the icing sugar than do so. If this too much then use water and scatter the top of the cake with the orange zest.
• There is nothing to stop you from telling your guests you have used Branston pickle to ice the cake, especially if you don’t want to share it.

Voiceover

This cake can be made like a far more conventional drizzle cake. Combine the juice, additional sugar and orange zest and pour over the warm cake. If however you like the unconventional then the pickle may do it for you.

A quest for world domination.

It was Thanksgiving on Thursday and it seems that although I don't live in the US, I have a lot to be thankful for over there at the moment. My latest book "Movie Dinners" was lucky enough to be featured on the Entertainment Weekly website.

Have a look, some great quotes, photos and comments. Sorry, you will have to bear with me blowing my own trumpet but you have to realise in the world of Primary school teachers recognition on this scale is a rarity.

It is almost sold out on Amazon.com (fear not more are on order) and has had a couple of great blog reviews. Wish me luck with my mission.

How did I celebrate? With roast beef, green beans and purple potatoes. If we hadn't been so greedy yesterday I may have had enough for this recipe below.

On holiday this year we visited a brilliant diner in Baltimore, sadly not the one in the movie but just as great. For the record one of did have roast beef!

Diner (1982)

Roast beef sandwich

Avoiding the realities of life by hanging about with like minded truth dodgers is all part of growing up. For five boys living in Baltimore in the late 1950's the place where they manage to hide longest is the diner. Warm and well fed they discuss the important issues of the day, mostly their sex lives, either real or imagined. Venturing out to the cinema, on a date or occasionally back home they all seem happiest when wrapped in the warm fug of the Diner. You can recreate the same warmth and fug with these beef sandwiches and don't forget the side order of fries with gravy.
If you have seen the movie you won't need reminding to get your own box of popcorn the next time you visit the cinema.

Cast and crew

makes 12 to 15 rounds of beef sandwiches.

1.5 kg piece beef rump

(for each sandwich you will need)

2 slices of thick white fresh bread

100g thinly sliced roast beef

Butter

mustard, preferably English but Dijon if you have to. Never, ever use squirty mustard from a plastic bottle.

To serve

crisps (potato chips)

dill pickle spear

Mise en scene

Heat the oven to 200*C or gas 6

1. Place the beef in a large roasting tin. Roast for 1hr and 20 minutes. This will give you a rare roast, most suitable for sandwiches in my humble opinion. If you really have to, cook the meat for another 15 minutes for a medium finish.
2. Remove the beef from the tin and lay on a plate. Cover with foil and allow to rest. When the beef is a room temperature slice thinly for the sandwiches
3. Place the two slices of bread onto a large plate. Spread both slices with butter and then smear one buttered side of bread liberally using the mustard. Fill the sandwich with huge quantities of beef, wafer thin and still at room temperature is beat. It allows the butter and mustard to melt together, basting the beef from top and bottom in buttery juices.
4. Slice the sandwich in two. Impale each half with a frilled cocktail stick to hold it all together. Arrange a handful of crisps (chips) artfully as a garnish. Sit back and talk to the guys.
5. If you ordered something different and now covet your friends sandwich ask them straight out for a bite. Don't beat about the bush. Say the words, "I want that roast beef sandwich."

Voice over

Save the pan and the meat juices for making gravy. The boy's accompaniment of choice to beef sandwiches seemed to be chips (fries) and gravy. Tip the pan and drain the fat and juices to one corner of the pan. Remove the majority of the fat. I aim to leave about 1 to 2 tablespoons of fat in the pan. Place the roasting tin on a very low heat on the hob and tip in 1 tbsp flour. Using a wooden spoon or a whisk cook the fat and flour together to create a paste. As you do, scrape all the tasty dark bits up from the bottom of the pan. After a minute of cooking out the floury taste add 300ml of warm stock to the tray and allow to bubble. If you need to add more warm stock a little at a time until the gravy is the thick enough to stick to the chips. Taste and season with salt and pepper. Anoint those fries and share with your besties.

Comfort food for the soul.

I realise the rest of the country is watching Strictly/X factor/I'm a Z list celebrity but not me. The TV in my lounge has transported me back to my childhood and is blasting out an episode of Dad's Army. I didn't even need to reach for the DVD or cable remote. 20.11.10 BBC2 7:50 Dad's Army http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b007bq31

Nothing like a little nostalgia to cheer you up. Not that I am old enough to remember the war you understand but in the 70's this was what passed for Saturday evening telly! A plate of Dolly's cucumber sandwiches might too. I know you'd prefer Jones' sausages in a bap but you can't have everything. There is a war on!

My Brother and I -Christmas special 1975

Godfrey's sister Dolly's cucumber sandwiches

“I wonder if you'd care for a cucumber sandwich? They're very nice, my sister Dolly makes them"

There is no getting away from the fact that the motley crew assembled to enrol as the Walmington-on-sea home guard are a peculiar bunch of misfits and let's not be coy about this, skivers. As we travel through life we occasionally meet those individuals who always seem so "otherworldly". Godfrey is one of these people. He is such a kind and gentle man that whilst the Eastgate platoon could quite easily bully him mercilessly about his ways, a friendly ribbing is all he seems to receive.

In return Godfrey acts as both the first aider and supplier of cucumber sandwiches and upside down cake made so ably by his sister Dolly. Rarely appearing but constantly referred to by Godfrey Dolly toils away in the cottage kitchen producing these delicacies as and when needed.

One such occasion was the sherry party held by Capt Mainwaring for his commanding officers. Acting as waiters, the platoon hand around the sandwiches whilst trying to fend off the drunken antics of Mainwaring's brother, Barry. As cucumber sandwiches are not known for their alcohol absorbing properties locking him a room with a bottle of whisky is their best alternative. Gatecrashers Hodges, the Vicar and the Verger seem to polish off most of the sandwiches and declare them tasty and delicious. The sight of Hodges cramming the sandwiches into his mouth three at a time has to be a classic Dad's Army moment for me. That and the "Don't tell him Pike" one. Remember - they don't like it up'em!

Mise en scene

cucumber thinly sliced

white tin loaf

softened butter (or margarine, don't you know there's a war on!)

Sea salt

Its all in the edit….

· Using a vegetable peeler peel the green outer skin from the cucumber. If you are using outdoor ridge cucumbers this is a vital step. Indoor or hothouse cucumbers do not need peeling but it adds to both the look and the finished texture of the sandwiches.

· Slice the cucumber very thinly. Don't panic! Don't panic! Please use a knife for this as a mandolin is not only terrifying to use but also makes the slices too thin on this occasion.

· Lay the slices onto a plate and sprinkle with a little salt. this will draw out any bitterness as well as a little of the excess moisture.

· Slice the bread thinly, butter as delicately as you can. Be careful not to tear the bread as you do so.

· Taking a sheet or two of paper towel pat the cucumber dry.

· Cover the bread with a layer of cucumber and place another buttered piece of thinly sliced bread on top.

· Using a serrated bread knife cut away the crusts and discard, actually no, in the spirit of Make do and mend, keep them to one side for use later as breadcrumbs or a stuffing.

· Cucumber sandwiches are traditionally served cut into fingers rather than squares or triangles.

· Place a paper doily onto a plate from your best china set. Lay the cucumber sandwich fingers on top and employ an elderly gentleman in a white jacket to hand them round to your guests.

· In the words of Mr Godfrey, "Delicious, Dolly has a wonderful way with cucumber sandwiches."

Voiceover

Cucumber sandwiches, fish and chips, upside down cake and copious cups of tea feature heavily in this slice of British wartime life. Food to fill you up and keep you going. There can't be many sitcoms that could get away with a whole episode about "the turkey dinner general purposes committee."

I'll have toast, A little piece of toast.

Not felt like food much recently. To be honest, you really don't want the gory details, suffice to say that in the words of Paul Young all I have wanted is "Toast, a little piece of toast." I seem to be feeling better today which is brilliant news as I'm off to Masterchef Live later and I have a wonderful piece of rib roast in the fridge. If that doesn't reawaken my appetite then nothing can.

If, however, when I get back I'm still not feeling too hot I could always follow the example of The Blues Brothers, minus the fried chicken of course!

The Blues Brothers

"4 fried chickens and a coke, and some dry white toast please."

I really don’t like ketchup, never have done and I doubt I ever will. Something about its thixotropic consistency and overly sweet taste really bugs me as well as the fact that I don’t think it tastes remotely of tomatoes. Even if it was dark and I was wearing sunglasses I’d still turn down the offer.

However The Blues Brothers, Jake and Elwood take the prize for food fads. It says a great deal about the narrowness of their diet that even after a “residency” in Joliet their order is instantly recognisable even through a kitchen wall. Matt “guitar” Murphy would dearly love to join the brothers in the band but Mrs Murphy is significantly less impressed. “This is my man, this is my restaurant, and you two are gonna turn around and walk right out of here - without your dry white toast, without your four fried chickens, and without Matt 'Guitar' Murphy!”

The scare tactics don’t work and the band reforms. With their tank full, the cigarettes nearly all smoked and on a mission from God the boys set about alienating almost anyone with power in Illinois. The best car chase since The Italian Job finishes the movie in style. They do leave without the four fried chickens but Jake gets some toast. Do we need a recipe for toast? Believe me, making decent toast takes time, effort and the right ingredients. I’d use decent butter to finish the whole thing off but perhaps Jake feels the same way about butter that I do about ketchup. EEwwwww! No thanks.

Mise en scene

One day old loaf of crusty bread

Sharp bread knife

Wide mouthed toaster or oven with grill

It’s all in the edit...

1. Take the bread and place onto a bread board. The bread must not be too fresh as it will not slice cleanly. If you do happen to have really elderly bread this isn’t good either. It will be too dry and your toast could shatter whilst being eaten. I said toast needed a recipe.
2. If you are using a grill put it on to heat now, a medium to high heat should be fine. If you own one of those toasters that is so expensive that it needs to be listed on your household contents for insurance purposes make sure you have the toast cage ready.
3. Slice the bread into 1 ½ to 2cm doorsteps. Cut carefully so that the bread remains the same thickness all the way down.
4. Pop under the grill and watch like a hawk. Do not allow yourself to be distracted. Toast is like a toddler, it will do something terrible as soon as you take your eyes off it.
5. When the toast is the colour you like, anything from a pale caramel to almost charcoal in this house, turn it over and repeat for the other side. Remember the toast is now warmed up and will take less time on this side.
6. If you are using a toaster less is more, start on a low number and cook a little at a time until the desired toast hue is achieved.
7. Jake ordered his toast plain. Me? I like plenty of salted butter and either decent jam where the fruit is still intact or Marmite. Lovely.
8. Hum Minnie the moocher or whistle Rawhide as you do the washing up.

Hint and tip

You can buy all sorts of gadgets to help you create the perfect slice of toast. Plastic thinks to make messages on the toast for your lover or ornate toast racks to prevent rubbery toast. If you have an open fire then a toasting fork would be my recommendation. Better than television in my opinion.