Guilty pleasures.

"Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! Lovely Spam! Lovely Spam!"

Monty Python's Flying Circus 1969-1974

Spam fritters.

We all have guilty pleasures. Monty Python seems to bring many of them to the fore. Men, and let's be honest it nearly is always men, of a certain age can quote great huge chunks of Python script verbatim.

Surely this has to be the guiltiest pleasure of them all. To be perfectly honest it was the batter that did it for me. Just writing this recipe I can feel my arteries furring up and my cholesterol level moving skywards.

Spam fritters one of those things that everyone professes not to like but secretly enjoys. A bit like putting a CD of 80’s power ballads in the car and then claiming they belong to your partner.

Whilst not confessing to a love of Bonnie Tyler, I would gladly shout from the rooftops that I love spam fritters. Strangely, plain cold and straight from the tin spam doesn’t do it for me, it has to have a crispy coat and be blisteringly hot before I entertain eating it.

Everything in moderation is fine so enjoy this culinary treat, just not too often! My apologies that this is not a recipe for Lobster thermidor aux crevettes, in the provencal manner, with shallots and aubergines, garnished with truffle pate, brandy a fried egg on top and spam, but the crevettes were off!

Mise en scene

1 can of Spam sliced into 1cm thick slices

100g plain flour

Pinch of salt

Ice cold sparkling mineral water

Flour for dusting

Oil for frying

It's all in the edit.

1. Place the spam tin into the refrigerator to chill for several hours before starting this recipe.
2. Remove the Spam from the tin and slice into 1cm thick portions. Place back into the fridge until needed.
3. Mix together the flour and sparkling mineral water until the batter is the thickness of double cream. If you don’t have sparkling mineral water add 1tsp of bicarbonate of soda to the flour instead. The secret to this batter is to use ice cold water.
4. Put the oil on to heat. You can shallow or deep fry depending on your bravery or your equipment.
5. Take the Spam out of the fridge and coat very lightly in flour. Remove any excess by patting the Spam gently. The flour will help the batter to stick. Dip the Spam into the batter and lay gently into the oil. The oil needs to be fairly hot or your batter will become soggy.
6. The fritters will take about two minutes on each side and about three or four minutes if you are deep frying. Remove from the oil when golden brown. DRAIN WELL.
7. Serve with mash and beans or peas. Ketchup is an optional accompaniment.
8. Sorry - "spam's off!"

Voiceover

If you really love Spam, visit Hawaii. It has become a national dish!

The stuff of nightmares.

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang - 1968

"ice cream, lollipops and all free today"

For once the stuff of nightmares referred to in the title isn't the mangling of an English accent by Dick van Dyke. After the Mary Poppins fiasco of 1964 he subsequently played any role thankfully in his native accent. No the terror I'm alluding to is one I can recall myself as a 4 year old girl in the Sutton ABC cinema. My Mum had quite rightly thought that in those days before DVD and Sky movies a trip to the pictures would be fun, this new children's movie would fit the bill perfectly. What she hadn't factored in was The Childcatcher!

For weeks after we went to the movie I didn't sleep, was afraid of anyone new and point blank refused to eat lollipops! A healthy distrust of strangers is a good thing but a fear of sweets, good grief, I'm glad I got over that one. You will be too . Diana Henry gave a recipe for lollipops in The Sunday Telegraph a while back and this is my slightly souped up version.

Mise en scene

Makes about 15 large lollies

100g frozen soft fruit (I used some of last years blackberries)

or 125 ml of any fruit juice

250g granulated sugar

2 tsp liquid glucose

edible glitter

lolly sticks and wrappers (I got mine from the local cake supply shop)

sugar thermometer

small but heavy based pan

parchment paper

It's all in the edit

• Sniff the air, there are children around you can smell them. better get some treats made!
• Place a sheet of the paper onto a work surface. Fill your sink with cold water.
• (if using just juice skip this stage) Put the frozen fruit into a pan and add 6 tbsp of water. Heat gently until the fruit releases it's juices. Pass through a sieve, pressing gently to extract as much juice and flavour as possible.
• You should have about 125 ml of juice. Place the juice in the heavy bottomed pan and add the sugar and liquid glucose. heat gently at first to dissolve the sugar and then more rapidly. Use the thermometer to monitor the temperature.
• Once the sugary mix reaches 147 (hard crack) put the base of the pan into the cold water to stop the cooking.
• Spoon 15 large dollops of the mix onto the parchment, allow to cool slightly, and then add a lolly stick and a sprinkle of glitter. You may need a little more mixture to cover the top of the lolly stick.
• Whilst waiting for the sweets to cool you could put on your best Halloween costume to scare your nearest and dearest, that way they won't want the sweets and you can have them all to yourselves!
• Wrap and enjoy.

Voiceover

If you don't want lollies this mixture makes boiled sweets too. Sadly I have yet to perfect the Caractacus Potts recipe for Toot sweets!

Get out the lederhosen.

It's true, I'm not like other grannies. I never did like the quilting bees and the bingo parlors. I'd rather live life to the EXTREME!

I don't know about you but if my Granny had been an extreme sports athlete she'd have needed very little help from me protecting her recipe book. Come to think of it despite the fact that neither of my Nans were in the slightest bit athletic if you'd met them then you'd realise that trying to steal from them would be futile. They'd have handbagged you to a pulp before lecturing you on the error of your ways. You might also have been subjected to "the look", more deadly than any heat seeking missile and always on target.

Sadly the characters in Hoodwinked are not as lucky. Someone is stealing all their goodies and the inhabitants of this fairytale land are getting hungry and fed up. When the thief turns from the sweet food to the savoury treats they know it's getting serious.

As the schnizel van is all out of these crispy snacks perhaps you'd like to make some of your own. Ideal for a trip out to the countryside in your best leather shorts!

Mise en scene

chicken breasts or mini chicken fillets.

1 egg beaten

seasoned flour (salt, pepper, paprika)

panko breadcrumbs

vegetable oil

bamboo BBQ sticks

cling film

rolling pin

It's all in the edit

• Check behind the doors to make sure you are not being watched and enlist a red hooded black-belt at karate to act as look out.
• If using large chicken breasts cut into 3 or 4 pieces lengthways. If using mini fillets these may need to be halved.
• Cover a chopping board with cling film. Lay the fillets onto the cling film and cover with a second layer. Batten out the fillets until about 1cm thick.
• Set up your breading station. Beaten egg in one bowl, seasoned flour in the next and finally breadcrumbs.
• Heat the oil to a medium high heat.
• Dip the chicken strips into egg, flour,egg and then breadcrumbs. Shake off any excess and then shallow fry the strips. Turn them over once the first side is a golden brown.
• Remove from the oil and drain on kitchen paper.
• Slide the schnitzel onto the sticks, get in your van and go!

Voiceover

This can be recreated with pork or veal but chicken was all I had in the fridge so I went with that!

Taxi!

"May 26th. Four o'clock p.m. I took Betsy to Charles Coffee Shop on Columbus Circle. I had black coffee and apple pie with a slice of melted yellow cheese. I think that was a good selection. Betsy had coffee and a fruit salad dish. She could have had anything she wanted."

Apple pie with a cheese crust

Taxi driver (1976)

“An apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze.” So the Yorkshire saying goes anyway. The content of the movie itself could make any discussion of kissing and squeezing a little difficult so I’m going to stick to the pie. Robert de Niro’s character doesn’t give us too many clues about this recipe. I could have created a pie with a cheese topping, with cream cheese as the wetting agent in the pastry or with cheese chunks mixed into the apple. If any of these appeal to you then please adapt this recipe accordingly. I could have completely opted out and just served the cheese on the side however I did know that Travis specifically said melted cheese. To make this more palatable I’ve added the cheese to the pastry.

Apple pies always benefit from a savoury pastry as this brings out the apply tartness. Adding the strong tangy cheese allows the sweetness to be enhanced even further. This is the one time I wouldn’t add any cinnamon to an apple pie although a few cloves would work if you wanted that additional edge. Serve these individual pies when they have just begun to cool. Cold single cream works the best as an accompaniment; custard and ice cream are better saved for other puddings.

“Are you talkin’ to me?” I very much doubt it; my mouth is far too full with this delicious apple pie for me to speak.

Mise en scene

Pastry

250g plain flour

125g butter or margarine

100g strong cheddar (finely grated)

Cold water

Apple filling

3 or 4 large bramley apples

Sugar

four hole large Yorkshire pudding tin

It's all in the edit

Pre heat oven to 200C Gas 6

1. Place flour and fat into a large bowl and rub in the fat until the mixture resembles breadcrumbs. Stir in the grated cheese. Using a round bladed knife stir in the cold water a little at a time until the mixture begins to come together. Use your hands to form a ball of pastry. Wrap the pastry in cling film and rest for half an hour or so in the fridge.

2. Roll out the pastry, line the Yorkshire pudding pans with pastry and bake blind for 15 minutes. Prick with a fork or fill with baking beans. Allow to cool.

3. Peel and core the apples. Cut into generous sized chunks and place in a saucepan with a splash of water, a knob of butter and sugar to taste.

4. Gently cook the apple until the edges of each piece just begins to soften. Don’t cook to a mush as the apple will continue to cook in the oven. Put the part cooked apple each part baked shell and top with a little more sugar if it tastes very sharp. Cut out circles of pastry and pop over the apple. Press to seal. Make a small slit in the pie crusts to let steam escape and bake for 20 to 30 minutes or until the pastry is golden brown and the apple is bubbling.

5. Serve with ice cold single cream.

6. Taxi!

Mayonnaise cake

As promised I did make the Blue Peter cake from the previous post. Put on your pinny, get out your mixing bowl and have a go. Here is the reason your mum wouldn't let you watch Magpie. They may have been far more attractive presenters but they couldn't make a cake like this.

In case you are interested we do have a Blue Peter badge in our house, and no it isn't mine!

Here's one I made earlier.

Yesterday I blogged that Blue Peter was responsible of the decline in home made pancakes. I thought today I'd better put the record straight and give a Blue Peter recipe that works and is a little unusual. The surprise ingredient is mayonnaise. I'd guess from the position of this recipe in my mum's recipe book that this is from the early 80's.

Guess what I'm making later. Anyone else have favourite Blue Peter recipes they want to share?

An expert tosser.

Blue Peter cakes and pancakes

Sadly the time has come. My girls are now far too old to watch Blue Peter. For those reading this outside the UK Blue Peter is a very long running children's T.V.magazine programme. A national treasure and part of growing up for many of the UK's population. This revelatory fact hadn't really hit home until Tuesday. Pancake day. I suddenly realised that for the past couple of years we haven't sat down together to watch a children's T.V. presenter ritually humiliate themselves on live television.

(watch from 2 mins for the pancakes)

I think Blue Peter may single-handedly be responsible for the sudden rise in the sales of pre-made pancakes and shake 'n' pour batter mixes.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/foodanddrink/8366548/Shrove-Tuesday-the-rise-of-the-ready-made-pancake.html

Generations of children have grown up watching these very capable adults make complete idiots of themselves annually. They can kayak the length of the Amazon, wrangle a baby elephant and play grade 8 violin but these men and women cannot make a pancake.

Those poor people were never going to succeed. My Mum always said the first pancake was for the birds, and Blue Peter only had time for the presenter to mix, cook and toss once. The pan was never hot enough, the batter hadn't rested, the cameras were running and a pet was probably in danger of singeing itself on the hot plate.

Pancakes are very easy! They need no more than a squeeze of lemon and a sprinkle of sugar. Mind you a healthy dollop of Nutella isn't too shabby either. Perhaps in best Blue Peter style I ought to say fresh fruit also makes a most acceptable filling too.

Mise en scene

1 large egg,

125g plain flour

1/2 pint milk

pinch of salt

flavourless oil

large frying pan

toppings of your choice

It's all in the edit.

• Pin your Blue Peter badge firmly onto your chest, take a deep breath and "action".
• Sieve the flour into a large bowl and stir in the salt.
• Break the egg into the milk and whisk together.
• Whisking all the time add the milk and egg mixture into the flour. Keep whisking until well combined and the mixture is relatively lump free. Set to one side.
• Heat your frying pan to a medium high heat. Add a little oil, wipe with a paper towel to remove any excess and add a ladle of batter.
• Immediately swirl the pan to coat the whole of the pan with a thin layer of batter. Place over the heat and cook until the batter bubbles and crisps at the edges.
• Using a spatula flip the pancake over. Toss by all means but if you want to eat the pancakes it may be an idea to wash the kitchen floor before you start making the pancakes and then you will be able to apply the "5 second rule" without worrying!
• Cook on the other side for a few seconds until golden.
• Repeat until all batter is used up.
• If all else fails have a few of the ready made ones in the freezer and you can always lie and say, "Here's one I made earlier".

Voiceover

Lemon juice and sugar is the most usual and traditional pancake topping but why not try a savoury filling too?